Tonight, I’ve been sitting here on the couch shedding some tears while reminiscing of the day I came out of the closet at age 17. I remember it like it was yesterday. The pain involved was probably the greatest emotional pain I’ve ever had to bear.
I witnessed my mother have a nervous breakdown as I told her I was gay and she begged me not to tell my father. The next day as I came home from school, my father was home early and eating dinner. I walked in the house and the tense silence in the room was haunting.
But it was my father’s words that are etched into my memory, words I never will forget. Words that have caused deep wounds over the years. My father mid bite, finally broke the silence with these words.
“Son, your mother told me what you told her yesterday. I am only going to say one thing about it, and then I am never going to bring it up again….If you continue to live your life this way, God will never bless you”
To hear those words at the age of 17 from your own father would be hard for anyone to bear. But especially hard for me as I had just completed 3 years of Bible preaching when I was confronted with the reality of my sexuality. For my entire childhood, I could hide my crushes on guys by blaming Satan for giving me impure thoughts.
But after having “tasted of the fruit” , I could no longer deny who I was after weeks on my knees in prayer to God to take these feelings away. Feelings that I later learned were part of my very identity and they were never going to go away.
I am no longer that 17 year old boy struggling with who he is. I am a 43 year old man and FUCKING PROUD of myself. Not just proud of being gay but proud to have stood my ground in the face of rejection by my own family! Even rejection from my own faith and church.
I am PROUD that I moved out at the age of 17 right after graduation in 2001. I NEVER looked back. I have remained an independent man for the past 26 years having never been without a job for more than 2 weeks in my adult life! And through all of this, I have remained a kind empathetic person.
The sad depressing reality in all of this is that no matter how amazing I have made my life on my own and how much I HAVE been blessed, god or no god, my parents will never accept ME. In their eyes, I will always be an Abomination before God. Someone they have to feel ashamed of.
Nonetheless, I will continue living life on my terms. I will continue being a kind and open minded person. I will continue believing that Doubt and Questioning are some of my greatest virtues. And I will continue appreciating those people in my life who are a part of my journey who do not reject me for who I am, who I love, how I feel, or what I don’t believe.